wth I never go on here anymore, except for communities. Sometimes.

Nothing really to say. Everything is just going together nicely this year, which is great, but not really exciting.

Getting some shrooms soon YEEEEEAAAAAAAH

My second interview at 24 Fitness is tomorrow afternoon. The job is going to be a challenge but I'm ready. I'm positive that it will build my confidence. The only problem is that it pays commission which I don't have much faith in during this economy.. Gah. I really hope I get into the census as well.

2008 was certainly the most eventful year for me, oh yes. I've come across good and bad things and each have taught me so much. what is most apparent is this year was a year for character building for me. I have learned so much about myself and have changed for the better immensely. This year has damaged me so much! What a beautiful mess!

was very nice. I got drunk and made some friends. And I made out with some guy :x VERY unlike me since I normally avoid all male contact as much as possible. Alcohol, you bitch! I didn't have enough time to make my Old Gregg costume so I just wore some crappy Malice costume that made me look like a goffy French maid. I had fun though.

I was invited to another party tonight. I don't know if I'll go. Honestly, I much like the idea of curling up in my bed and reading about neurosociety instead. *nerd*

Carly came over this weekend and we had a wonderful time! Including going to a party for Anthony's birffday on a $2 million yacht. Sweet. And I got a surface piercing on my chest. Holly took pictures of the piercing process. LOTS OF BLOOD. Sweet. I like it so far. For me, it symbolizes my "center" and reminds me to remember my heart and meditation. I need something to remind me. It's easy to forget myself in this busy world. It's still sore now. It'll be about 4 months until it heals.

I'm hoping I'll get a job soon so I can get a membership at 24 fitness, cause Bally's sucks. I have some guest passes and have done some yoga. I really like it.

I don't feel right. Like I don't really exist, or shouldn't. I'm becoming more depressed. They increased my dose again. I haven't been happy in so long. I think I've only been genuinely happy once: when I worked in politics. I felt like I belonged to something for the first time. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy or love again.. Hmm.. :/


And I'm much less affectionate than I used to be. I've really distanced myself from people.

And:




I also have some GORY pictures of the piercing process. I'll have them later.



It hurt so good. MADE ME FEEL REAAAAAAAAAAL.

Keep in mind that the bold words are my own.

From the "genius" mind of le_moose

"Granted, it's not as important of an issue as the economy, but it's still very important.


I'm just downright disgusted by things that are happening these days; Since gay marriage is already legal in Massachusetts, teachers are allowed to bring up the topic in schools without giving parental notification. Sending six year olds home with "Diversity packets" is A-OK over there. I'm not saying EVERYBODY IS DOING IT AND IT WILL BE A PART OF STANDARD CURRICULUM, but if the teacher decides they want to teach it, the only thing you can really do is stick to homeschooling.(I don't remember being told anything at all about marriage when I was in elementary. I don't understand why they would need to be taught that, seeing how children aren't going to get married any time soon. This may possibly be propaganda. if it isn't: Oh noes! My kid is going to learn that there are gay people out there!! In my opinion, it's a good thing. The children would grow to become much more tolerant, instead of a bigot. Remember all the kids in Junior High talking like "Oh man, that's gayyy. You're gay man" Well, what happened is their parents left their children so sheltered that they grew up to become an ignorant prick! Just because a child knows what gays are doesn't mean they will become influenced. I had a dyke baby sitter. I knew her dyke girlfriend. No secrets were hidden from me. My mother explained to me their lifestyle and how it is something to accept since it's their life and not ours. Grown up me is as straight as an arrow. But the difference is.. I am not an ignorant bigot!)

I don't have anything against GAYS as people; I don't approve of their decisions, and I certainly don't approve of their disrespect for Marriage and it's initial meaning and values. I don't want them to be able to sue churches for not going with it because certain churches will always stand their ground; sure, they can just go somewhere else, but they'll still use it as leverage. If 8 doesn't pass, I can guarantee we'll see lot's of that.( Honey, it's not a decision. Gay is gay as gay was and always will be. No one woke up one day and said "Hmm, I think I want to be a lesbian!" No. It's in the soul. I'm not a religious person,
but even the bible explains that.According to the bible, gays are the third gender.) Oh, yeah and marriage is SO meaningful. Right. With the high rate of divorce and last moment Las Vegas marriages. mhm. And of course, gays can be married through the court and not churches.

People say "Oh, because it's so sacred with that high divorce rate, right. Yeah, protect it." ...So they're saying "It's already broken enough, so why not take a baseball bat to it and beat it into the ground, don't bother saving it, or what little there is left."(At least they are two people that genuinely love each other.)

Why is society moving to accommodate immorality? Why does so much of America's youth hate authority, and end up far left wing? Yeah, lets let kids go get abortions without notification to their parents, never mind the fact they fucked up and should face the consequences. No, no lets forget responsibility for our actions, we don't need that. Yeah, I want my kids to know that being gay is perfectly normal, so if they should become remotely curious, they should know there is nothing wrong with that.(They're not hating on authority, they're simply standing up for what they believe in within their hearts. How would it feel if someone said you could never marry that prince charming you've fallen in love with? And having people hate you just because you love? It's a horrible feeling that no one should be faced with.. And the abortion. UH, COME. ON. Great! And suppose if the parents are ABUSIVE and they find out that their daughter is pregnant, what do you think will happen to her? I'm guessing something illegal, there are some fucking horrible parents out there. Horrible people out there. And believe me, she's already facing the consequences from her irresponsibility. The abortion itself can be very traumatizing, especially to the youth. Why have her get a traumatizing abortion then after wards a nice family beating or name calling just to make her feel even MORE LIKE SHIT. Great plan..)


My beliefs and morals are not out of hate. I don't hate anybody. Yet prop 8 bashers say that omg we r haterrrzzz. No, see, if you love someone, you want to steer them right. If you see your best friend dying from drug addictions, you want to help them to quit, and you worry about them; not say "oh, this terrible thing you're doing is OKAY cause I love and accept you just how you are! You have fun with that!". Love, acceptance, and tolerance are all different things. Do not lump them together, lest you fuck up their individual purposes.(GAY IS NOT A CHOICE YOU DUMB BITCH. And it has nothing whatsoever similar to a drug addiction. It's just a person loving another person. NO BODY ABUSE.)

Nothing I believe comes BECAUSE of my religion. I developed my morals and beliefs long before I came to religion, and nothing has changed about me. My parents didn't raise me worth a damn besides saying here, you don't have to go to school anymore, just go do whatever. So don't you dare say I'm just some bible thumping whack-job.(Her parents don't love her. Maybe if she had two mommies they would be more caring ;___;__;_;____;

And yes, if you are using the term equality for all, then you should be standing up for Pedophiles and those into Beastality as well. Or change your slogan to Equality for most, mmmk. You can't really argue that.(Actually, I can. I worked for equality for all. We worked for human beings, not animals. Equality for All HUMANS. There's no support for RAPE. wtf, you dumb bitch!)


I got my ballot in the mail today, I've already got my votes marked.


I'm kind of sick how I have lenient morality, even, and yet am totally bashed for what I believe is good and right.(What she is actually saying is she hates gays and they're all going to hell for living an immoral life)"

I'm not coming out of my house for about 4 days; don't invite me anywhere! I have so much shit to do to get ready for this weekend. I have a never ending supply of homework and also housework..


I'm so excited I'll probably shit myself!! :DDDDDDD This weekend shall be a legend.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Oh, and I went to Silverado days with Holly, Sonny, Luis, Jenny, Rachel, Roy and the Lasley's last night. The best part of the night:

Luis and Holly were talking about my boobs and how amazing they are. Holly starts touching them and a dirty carny sees as and yells "HEY!" angrily at us. Then Holly yells "It's okay, we're cousins!" Hahahah, us and our incestuous ways.


Oh, and I saw Amber<3333





That is all.

So I checked out this book at the library about a week ago. I've read some of it so far and it's really good. I can already tell it's going to be one of my favorite books. Anyway, I was watching the telly today and this movie trailer comes on and they're making a movie to it! What were the odds of that?


http://www.blindness-themovie.com/

I've noticed that the only emotions I've had for a while are indifference, fear and anger.


Indifference.. fear.. anger... Indifference.. fear.. anger... Indifference.. fear.. anger...

I had a really good night last night. A really good night! I went to this house that's really artsy-fartsy looking. They had a giant T-Rex in their living room, and about 5 or 6 bands played.
This really made me feel SO much better for a while. I love hearing music live and having your heart vibrate from all the trembling sounds. Pure magic that really hits the spot.


And I got to meet all these bands! They're really awesome people and one of them took a picture of my shoes.
Anyway! I can't find all of them, but here's some links to two of the bands:

http://www.myspace.com/theenextdoorneighbors
This band was probably my favorite. Jessie and Kathy were really good live. And they were really awesome people and REALLY big Obama fanatics. Infact, they're playing at El Corazon for Obama's benefit. They're basically Regina Spektor's and Bjork's love child.


http://www.myspace.com/junemadrona
These guys are absolutely lovable people.


And it really sucks that I cant find the others, but I'll try. In the meantime show these folks some love :)

There's something sinister and hostile in the air. I thought it was just after me at first, but apparently it's been after many other people as well. Something I can't fight or move past. I talked to one of my friends today, and apparently his life is uncanny to mine. It's really eerie. He was able to explain things I was thinking but never uttered.

I'm stuck in quicksand and I feel like a beached whale. I'm gonna be 17 forever, or it feels like it. Much like my friend said "life feels like a broken record".

There's one big hole in me and I have nothing to feel it up with. And no matter how many parties I go to, and I've been to a lot recently, or how much alcohol I consume, I still feel that hole. Nothing can distract me from this discomfort. I need to find a why to fill this "hole" into a "whole" before it eats away and gets bigger. I'll completely loose myself!


All I am is numb, empty, and scared out of my wits with nothing to live for.

I have so many mixed up feelings within me that I hardly know which mean what. All I know is that I can hardly breathe. I take many deep breaths from time to time but I still can't seem to catch it. It's like a thirst I can't quenched. I've been feeling this way for about a week now, if not longer on and off. Some bothersome things are on my mind, but they shouldn't be things that are bothering me to this extent.

I can hardly appreciate the great things in life anymore. I used to look at things so beautifully. Everything had a good side to it. But now everything seems to co-exist with fear. Even the things I want and love. A great example would be yesterday. I saw two very important people that I have unconditional love for. People I feel honored to know but I can't help but be terrified. It's like, I know so many great people and great things; but how can somethings possibly be so beautiful? It just doesn't seem real to me. It's too great for little ol' me to take. This keeps me from enjoying them. I don't understand why I'm so terrified, but I am.

Something feels unfinished, unsatisfactory, missing in my life and I can't yet but my finger on it. It's bothering me; especially because I don't know what it is! It's like when Alice could see the beautiful garden through the little itty bitty door but her shoulders are much too big to get through to be in it. It's like I need to do something, something very important that I missed, but I don't know what.


I'm not happy.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

This is a happy end
'Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong?
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I need sleep. I need to calm down. I need to go to college. I'm going to after I take my GED. Soon.


I'm going to talk to my therapist about going back on prozac.

I'm getting really worried about my self. I cannot sleep. I haven't had proper sleep for longer then I can remember. Even when I'm tired, I can't sleep. My anxiety attacks are coming back. I'm becoming afraid of everything. I hate feeling like this, I want it to stop. The lack of sleep is making it worse. And also: No sleep = I look horrible.


On the good side: I stayed with Heather the last two days and had a great time :)

To clear my mind, I write. I write just anything in a notebook. Basically, I zone out as much as I can and just scribble any word in my head. Half of the time I'm not aware of what I'm even writing and it's interesting to read afterwards. My mind has always been one to be cluttered which is usually why I'm so ditsy; cause I'm thinking. After doing this every night it's been much more clear. I'm free for some time. Some times it's too clear; I'm not used to that. Sure, I'm not torturing myself so much with thought now but at the same time the clutter is who I am. What makes me, me. Hmmm..


Next topic: I want to write actual things, not just scribbled words. I need some songs or poems, short stories maybe.. I can't find any inspiration. Then when I can't think of anything or at least I have no idea how to word what I feel, I feel like maybe I should give up. Maybe I got no talent. But I guess every locked door can open, it just needs the right key.

Had the photo shoot with Jade and moi as models and Holly and Luis as the photographers. Not sure when I'll get the pictures but they're awesome. Another photo shoot is soon. Not sure when..


Still no job. I'm such a loser D:

( I forgot to introduce my kittens )

I'm going to focus on thinking positive. True, I don't have a particular reason to be happy but even with all the pain I'm so happy that I am alive. With all the bad incidents happening, at least in the end I've learned so much about myself and others. I am starting to connect with people. That's a lot for me.

I'm more concerned with what I want; I should learn to appreciate what I have. I have family, and throughout my life I have met the most amazing and irreplaceable characters I wouldn't trade for anything. Even if in the future I were to separate from those people(for whatever reason), they will always be in my heart and they had their place in forming who I am. I love each and everyone of you.

I'm not satisfied with my life, but I'm so young. So many untraveled places and people to meet. Life takes a different turn even after every week, it seems.

Changes are so frightening. I wonder if I'll ever find a place where I'm comfortable. My anxiety attacks are coming back along with the dissociated from reality feeling. I feel like the world is closing in on me. I feel like I'm dying. I try to remind myself that I may feel this why now, but I won't die. I'll get over this. It's all in my head and many people have this same problem. I won't let my fear define who I am.

Growing up is such a scary thing. I didn't expect all this at all. It's overwhelming!

I saw the therapist. I was so afraid to go, I almost ran away. I really thought about it. I'm glad I went. It feels great to verbally let things go.


I hope that one day I help many people find themselves and live better lives.